....someone to take the trash out......

I have been single for awhile and it isn't always the most fun thing I've ever done in my life. I realize it is necessary for whatever God's plans are for my life.

Sometimes I get tired of going to weddings alone, couples showers alone, family events alone, to the movies alone, or out to dinner, you guessed it.....alone.

I do most everything in my life without a plus 1, it's really tiring at times and I sometimes feel like God picked the wrong girl, He picked the wrong girl to do this thing called life alone. When things are hard and I just want to cry and have someone else make dinner, He picked the wrong girl. When I have yet another wedding to go to alone, He picked the wrong girl. When I have another family event alone, He picked the wrong girl. When there is a concert in town and I want to go, but don't want to go alone, He picked the wrong girl.

And sometimes the simple truth is sometimes, I just want someone else to take my trash out. I have been walking by my trashcan for the past few days and it has gotten more and more full (hold on now, I'm not filthy it just needs to be taken out and I just don't have the time at the moment) and I think to myself "Oh crap, I still need to take the trash out" and then I continue running out the door to whatever I have next and I get home and that darn trash is still there.

Yesterday, I thought it would be so nice to just have someone else take the trash out. And in an instant, I felt powerless, I can take my own d&m! trash out! I can go to the 400th wedding alone, I can make dinner even when I just want someone to hug me so tight my pieces fit back together. I can go to the family event and answer that God just hasn't sent the right one yet, when I get asked for the one millionth time why I'm single. I can go to that concert alone no matter how humiliating that might be for.

I will absolutely not lie to you and say that this season is an easy time in my life, cuuuuus it ain't y'all!! It just ain't. It's hard and sometimes dark and ugly. There are times when I feel forgotten or like I am being punished for something I did or didn't do. There are times when the silence in my apartment is deafening. There are times when I am so alone that it feels like a weight is sitting on my chest. There are times when I am struggling to pay bills and I think if I just had a second source of income to take some of the burden (I'm working 2 jobs, so please no remarks about getting a second job). There are times (a lot of them) that I yelled at Him and tell Him that "HE PICKED THE WRONG GIRL"!!!!!!! But He didn't pick the wrong girl.

He picked the right girl and until He picks the right guy, I'll just take my own trash out.

Looking back....

I can't believe that it has been 2 years since I blogged regularly. For a long time I did it as a way to remember all the things that I knew I would forget, then I did it as a way to get "noticed" because who doesn't want to be internet famous?!?!?!

I'm not sure who is still reading this little corner of the world, but I figured I'd give an update as to what has gone in on the last 2 years.

The last time I wrote I was living super close to the bay (hence the name), I was working at a crane rental company and struggling with where God had me. In November of 2016, I was offered a job at a private school downtown and I thought surly with all the other jobs I've been passed over for this is where God needs me. In a way, it was because I had only been there a few weeks when my grandpa had hip surgery and things just weren't "right", I was able to leave work and go be with him at my old job I wouldn't have been able to do that.

In February 2017, I got notice that the school would be closing (and in that moment I thought "well this is not looking good for the home team"), even though I was told I would have a job, I started looking because I didn't know what else to do. Around this same time my grandpa had a car accident and again my job let me leave to go be with him, looking back now I can see that God placed me there so that I would be able to go spend time with my family.

 And after many interviews and a lot of "no's", God placed me exactly where I needed to be and this time I just trusted Him and let Him handle it all. In July of 2017, I started my current job. Where I am now is strictly because of Him, my co-workers are amazing and we get along so well, we work hard and play even harder. Though, I missed what I thought was my dream job, I know now why I went through all that I did.

I also met a family that would have the largest impact on my life to date, they have taught me what it looks like to trust solely on Him, they have taught me how to get past hard things, how to do brave things, how to burn the lies, they believe in me when I don't believe in myself. And I know that if I weren't in the job that I am now, doors that have started to open never would have.

I think the largest change in my life, is my relationship with Jesus, it isn't always easy, but I have learned to lean into Him, to trust Him, I have started going to bible study and the community I have found there is exactly what my soul was needing. The journey has been so rewarding, I have always known Jesus, but in these last few months I have FOUND Him and my goodness was my soul needing that as well!

Restoring my Soul

A few weeks ago, I attended a women's retreat that I would HIGHLY recommend!

The Soul Restoration, changed my life. I realized that it doesn't matter the age of the people around you or the experiences common ground can be anywhere!

I was the youngest camper there and even though some of the ladies were old enough to be my mom (literally, ladies), I haven't felt that connected with someone I just met in, I don't know ever?!?!? I learned so much about myself and why I am the way that I am, I learned that boundaries are the only way to handle certain relationships.

I learned to just sit and listen to those that are hurting just like I am. I learned to trust the process, I learned to cry harder. I learned that I am thankful for the tools that I have to change the course of my life. To be better equipped to handle the enemy, I can do better and be better!!

For the first time, in a long time I felt welcomed, loved, and like I belonged!

Self-Respect

Wow, I've been needing to knock the dust off of this old thing, and today seemed like a good day to do so.

The past few years since my last post (literally years..) my life has changed in ways I can't even begin to explain. I have had 2 new jobs, moved cities, and met people that would forever change the course of my life.

One of those ladies has a podcast The Brave Collective, on one of the episodes they discussed "self-respect" and over the past few months I've asked myself  A LOT "Does this look like self-respect?" If it didn't I tried very hard to let it go. I won't lie and say it has been the easiest thing to do, because sometimes when it no longer looks like self-respect that means it looks like being single again, finding a part time job, finding a new job, finding a new place to live whatever the case may be, it isn't always unicorns and rainbows.

Last night while driving to bible study, I sent someone a text asking if they had time to "squeeze me in" literally, those were my words. And in that moment, I asked myself "WHERE IN THE F&C* IS MY SELF-RESPECT IN THIS!?!?!?!?" And y'all I was ashamed of myself, ashamed that I wasn't being brave and ashamed that I was begging this person to make some time for me. I knew that, that was NOT self-respect and that God has things lined up for me, that I'm not going to have to beg for.

Self-respect is a hard one, it isn't always a bubble bath and wine (thou those are some of my favorite things!), sometimes it's about not chasing the things that we know won't be good for us, it's about having a hard conversation with someone we care about, it's about showing up for that friend when you are totally exhausted and just want to climb in bed. Sometimes self-respect is saying no to toxic people regardless of who they are in your life.

What is self-respect in your life?!?!?!