Thursday, July 30, 2015

BrOkEn

I am single in every sense of the word. 

And to be real honest I am not always okay with it. I try to be I honestly do and most times I get pretty good at it.

Then I try, I try to date and I find a really decent guy, one of those that you are pretty sure ONLY exist in fairy tales. Things are good for a few weeks and I allow myself to start falling for him, I allow myself to start thinking of the future. 

Then it happens I get scared I push him away my hot mess side comes out and BAM I'm back to square one! 

I didn't even realize until recently how broken I really am. I have been single for awhile now and I am totally over my ex, I don't guess I'm over what he did to me. I'm terrified that if I speak my mind or if I have a bad day and take it out on the person closest to me  (tell me I'm not the only person that does that?!?!?) he will run. They always do. 

I am bitter and honestly had no idea I was. I want nothing more than to see the good in people and even though it may not always seem like it my heart is always in the right place. The moment I allow myself to fall is the moment things go wrong. Am I making that  up in my head and it just seems like that I'm sure! That doesn't stop me from being scared. 

Here's the thing about being scared, it gets me nowhere. I'm scared to get hurt so what do I do?!?! Push them away because that makes sense right?!?! (side eye to myself)

I can actually feel myself being to do it and by the time I realize just what I've done its to late to fix it. 

However, being scared is not a valid excuse I'm 25 26 (okay fine I'm 27 years old) and if I continue to be scared and not take chances what exactly will that get me?!?!?! A whole lotta nothing!!! And though I do think it is to late to fix my latest cluster eff maybe next time I'll be less scared and more ready for the unknown.






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1 comment:

  1. You are certainly not the only one that takes a bad day out on someone close to you. Those that love you and really want to be there for you won't run from you for that either. It's okay to be scared, just don't let the fear dictate how you handle something. I know, easier said than done, but you can do it. I know you can!

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