I have started Grey's Anatomy over on Netflix recently, I watch it all the time when I was in college (the first go round) and then just kind of stopped.
And that right there, is my life most times. I have never said it but to say I've never thought it would be the biggest lie I've ever told. There are 3 guys in my past that I know the exact moment I fell in love with them. I know exactly what was going on and where we were. And in those moments I thought I had finally gotten it right.
And it wasn't long after those moments that things somehow got messed up. There are moments in those relationships that I just knew I was fighting hard enough for the both of us, but unlike Grey's McDreamy doesn't come to the bar.
I understand that I wasn't "picked", "chosen", or "loved" because they were not my McDreamy, but please know it doesn't suck any less.
It has however made me much more cautious and sometimes I end up sabotaging my own happiness in the process of trying to guard my heart, but then I think if he were going to pick me, choose me, and love me that he wouldn't run while I'm building up more walls. That he would have the patience to help me take those walls down. He may not be the only reason I'm jaded and he may have never hurt me or have any intentions to do that, but I'm terrified to let someone in and see the real me.
To be honest, I don't have any profound wisdom in this post and I can't really say that I've gotten past all of the hurt in my past, Right when I think I do the past comes creeping up on me again. I just needed to get this off my mind.