I have started Grey's Anatomy over on Netflix recently, I watch it all the time when I was in college (the first go round) and then just kind of stopped.
And that right there, is my life most times. I have never said it but to say I've never thought it would be the biggest lie I've ever told. There are 3 guys in my past that I know the exact moment I fell in love with them. I know exactly what was going on and where we were. And in those moments I thought I had finally gotten it right.
And it wasn't long after those moments that things somehow got messed up. There are moments in those relationships that I just knew I was fighting hard enough for the both of us, but unlike Grey's McDreamy doesn't come to the bar.
I understand that I wasn't "picked", "chosen", or "loved" because they were not my McDreamy, but please know it doesn't suck any less.
It has however made me much more cautious and sometimes I end up sabotaging my own happiness in the process of trying to guard my heart, but then I think if he were going to pick me, choose me, and love me that he wouldn't run while I'm building up more walls. That he would have the patience to help me take those walls down. He may not be the only reason I'm jaded and he may have never hurt me or have any intentions to do that, but I'm terrified to let someone in and see the real me.
To be honest, I don't have any profound wisdom in this post and I can't really say that I've gotten past all of the hurt in my past, Right when I think I do the past comes creeping up on me again. I just needed to get this off my mind.
I LOVE Grey's! And that scene is one of my favorites right along with the one where she's trying to decide between Finn and McDreamy and she tells them she wants romance and to be dated like in the olden days.
ReplyDeleteWhen your McDreamy comes along he will climb those walls you've built up around your heart rather than run. It does suck though knowing that those guys from your past weren't it. Glad you got this out there rather than holding it in.
Love this post! I know exactly how you feel! This scene is one of my favorites! I actually just had a conversation about this with my boyfriend, about my walls coming up. I got super defensive about something stupid and got really mad at him and he couldn't figure out why. It took me two days to realize I was taking out something from my past on him. If he is truly a gentleman, he will be patient and understanding :) Those guys are out there! I just found mine recently :)
ReplyDeleteI've never actually seen Greys!! I'm sorry you've been hurt in your past, my fingers are crossed you find someone wonderful in your future!
ReplyDeleteawwww...I can somehow relate to this. Here's to us finding that one person who will be as wonderful!
ReplyDeletelifeisashoe
This is such a beautiful (and honest) post. Trust me, lady, when you least expect it, it will happen. Having been through a crappy relationship and ending a bad engagement, I thought I'd never find love...and then I found Ryan. I was SO guarded with him that we even broke up briefly that first year, but when I finally let myself be vulnerable, it worked, and here we are! Big hugs. Xoxoxox
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